It is sunny and bright today, with a hint of spring and a blue, blue sky. I feel like I can breathe. I took the dogs out and just stood on the driveway, watching the breeze ruffle Apollo's black puppy coat and feeling the warmth. I have ambitions to leave the house.
Leaving the house. I do it so rarely. I confine myself and always for what seems like perfectly acceptable reasons. I have no where much to go. I have to take Zeus with me. Leaving Apollo crated is very hard on him, but I can't handle two dogs in public (plus he needs a new training vest). I don't want to spend money. I don't want to talk to people I don't know, pretending I am normal and fine, explaining (again and again) why I have Zeus with me, what service dogs are about, and everything about poodles. It's an automatic spiel anymore, automatic, an act, a performance. Performing is very tiring. Even going to the Botanical Gardens, once something I did weekly, seems like too much effort because it's crowded much of the time, overly noisy with cars and people and machinery nearby, and I can't walk very far anyway, even with knee and back braces on.
So, I stay home. I am isolated. I go weeks without having an actual conversation with anyone but The Husband and my once a week hangout with chosen e-bro Rob. I don't talk with Bliss anymore, because she has a full time job now, and three kids, and a life. That's how it goes. Most of the people I know are like that, and I sometimes miss having a job with people around and things to do, even though I also know now I could not handle it.
I gave up singing in the church choir for several reasons, among which was I no longer enjoy it, it feels stressful, and I no longer feel any connection to the community. It's a UU church, but even so there's too much whoo and Jeeeeeezus and such for me now. I told The Husband that I miss some aspects of being part of a Pagan community, because, separated from the stuff I know isn't true and isn't real, there are useful parts of it, of ritual and celebration and communication. I wish there was an atheist group around here I could join, but I don't know of any, and I have doubts about my ability to participate.
At least there is sunshine today.