Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Because it's Tuesday and I Might as Well

My blouse is almost finished -- four buttons and two button loops to attack and it's done. Then I start on the pants for The Husband's outfit. It has the fewest pieces. His jacket is cut out and waiting, too, then my vest.

We have been playing the If game here -- if he gets an offer from the university (a thing hinted at) and we stay in SC, where would we want to live? And because we are like that, we started looking at houses. Of course, we found one. We went to drive by it and ended up calling the realtor to look through the place. The house was built in the 1910s or about then, Craftsman in style, very southern. It's been through a few variations -- for a while, it was a halfway house for recovering drug addicts, which we sort of like (the idea that it was a place of new beginnings and hope). It's HUGE. Wood floors all over. A half-wrap porch. A nice back yard. A portico over the drive. We are told the attic area is huge and just needs better access and maybe finishing.

It also needs much roof work, new electrical, probably new plumbing, a complete kitchen redo and bathroom remodels, not to mention exerior wood replacement and repair and possibly several new windows. After that, it just needs the usual TLC. The floors are beautiful. The layout is wonderful. The price is incredible! It is just blocks from a medium sized downtown, walking distance from cafes and shops and even an art museum. The area is at the edge of a gentrification effort and the owners want to sell to residential, not commercial.

Of course, we are dreaming about it. I'm watching home improvement shows again. We talk about it. I think about what I want to do with it, and what it would be like to live there.

I wish I wasn't dreaming, really. We are a good 8 months from any chance of buying a house, by which time it will certainly be sold to someone else. We don't know if we will be staying in SC. Even if we stay, we don't know how long it would be, and a house purchase would require at minimum 5 years. If, if, if -- the bunnies keep popping up. I've already had three 'dream houses' in my life -- houses we planned on, talked about, but which never materialized. Our timing is always off, or our situations change, or it just doesn't happen.

I'm reluctant to dream because the disappointment of failed dreams is heavy. I try not to day dream about anything. I try hard not to anticipate or look forward to things. I've been doing this for -- what? 5 years now? 6? I'm getting quite accomplished. Of course, it is having negative effects otherwise. How can I balance looking forward to things with being realistic and not building up my hopes?

Maybe the answer is to stop fearing the disappointment. Maybe the pain of that is not nearly so terrible as the vast and spreading heavy numbness that takes up the place of dreaming, that is the result of being realistic, not hoping, not daydreaming. I don't know. I'm thinking it over.

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