Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The State of the Life

OK. I've been in South Carolina now for 5 months. I can't find a job, I have few friends, I do nothing much all day. My concentration, always a problem, comes and goes. I'm contemplating a return to school, but the idea of contacting someone to figure out applying makes my stomach roil and my eyes unfocus. The SAM-E is good -- I'm not in the dark like I was over most of the summer -- but I'm still undirected, down on myself, and having difficulty with simple things like thinking and having a little confidence. Yes, I'm about to have a story published, but it's not a story about which I feel comfortable talking. I won't show it to my mom-in-law.

The universe is trying to hand me things, I know it, but I just don't seem able to grab. It's like I don't know how my hands work.

So I sit around getting older and fatter and feeling less and less in touch with the world. Going to therapy, because of the insurance problems, isn't really helping much.

The afternoon sun is lovely through the window. Autumn coolness blows through the window. I have a spicy candle burning, scenting the air with apple and cinnamon. The world is really not against me. The problems are all inside my head. I just need my ladder again.

No comments: