Saturday, December 08, 2007

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah! Part 3

It's an old adage -- once you start lying, it's hard to stop.

Three confabulations for Jammies

1) Cover girl Jammies lived off her trust fund for a while as a New York party promoter. Famous for her neoprene bikinis and sequined faux albino zebra striped trench coat, she stunned the fashion world by attending Andre J.'s birthday party at Hiro's in fuschia colored faux Lasa Apso footie pajamas (complete with little bows on the ears and small wet nose) and 4 inch heel electric blue Manolos to which she had attached miniature LED scrollers that read "Jammies is TEH". Her entrance brought the house down. The NYPD were called to control the riot.

2) Jammies was one of Jackson Pollock's many disciples, following up his 'action painting' style with her 'hyperactive painting'. Also drawing on Pollock, who used industrial and household paints instead of artist's oils, she favored the use of Jello and Kool-aid, mixed with Elmer's Glue, due to her own straitened financial condition. Her relationship with Pollock caused a certain amount of tension with Lee Krasner, Pollock's wife, and Jammies ended her association with the alcohol fueled genius after Krasner threw a bowl of potato salad at her, missed, hit one of Jammie's canvases, and claimed the result as her own artwork.

3) Jammies spent five years at the Martha Graham Center of Contemporary Dance, as both a lead dancer and choreographer trainee. Dances she created included "Superheroes without Capes", performed first at the Lincoln Center, and "Big Otters, Little Ponds", which toured North America for six months to varied critical and popular response. Discouraged by what she termed "the stubborn misunderstanding of the mustelids", Jammies retired from dance to become a assistant at the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Three fabrications for Jeff

1) Teen aged Jeff caused consternation among his teachers when he turned in an extensively researched senior project on the notorious Leopold and Loeb' 'perfect crime' which included a diorama with two modified G.I. Joe's and a Skipper doll dressed in period costume, a reproduction ransom note, and other items of a suspicious nature. The project was confiscated by the local police and later turned over to the FBI. The locations of all children in the area under age 14 were ascertained and no suspicious bodies were located. Jeff admitted nothing, declaring his innocence repeatedly. His history teacher awarded him an "A".

2) Jeff has achieved some local fame in the town of Natchez, Mississippi by his occasional appearances as "Old Man River". Dressed in a rubber wet suit covered in bits of waterlogged wood, assorted trash, a piece of a steamer paddle wheel, iron scrap, some human bones, and other detritus, and a long bedraggled white beard and wig, Jeff walks the shore of the great river near Natchez and berates the local inhabitants for slovenly river care. His appearance has been the spark for two river cleaning events, both of which raked 8.4 tons of garbage out of a quarter mile stretch of the river. The events were considered failures, however, when it was discovered that by morning, Jeff had put most of the garbage back because, as he said, "If he didn't, he'd have nothing to bitch about."

3) Jeff spent several years in training with a San Fransisco troupe of Beijing opera performers, where he was groomed for the Sheng role. While applauded for his performance as Guan Gong, the Chinese God of War, Jeff was reluctant to play the 'red faced' roles and expressed a yearning to be in the Chou role, despite its lower level of stage time, because he had developed an unhealthy attachment to the guban. It was rumored that he slept and ate with the traditional instruments. His activities so unnerved his fellow performers that he was ejected from the troupe. He worked for a while as a clerk in a UPS store, but his painted face makeup and elaborate costumes caused him to knock over boxes and even Chinese customers would not come into the store.

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