Thursday, December 06, 2007

Lies, Lies, Lies, Yeah! Part 2

You'd think lying was easy, but that's only if you aren't doing a good job. It's work, I tell you!

Six lies for Ken (or five lies and a half-truth)

1) Ken has baffled science for years since his pediatrician discovered he had specialized facial pits that could sense infrared radiation. His mother, embarrassed by the attention, insisted he'd just tucked some batteries and lights from his disassembled Simon (tm) electronic game.

2) Ken was for a short while a suspect in the failure of Project Vanguard, until FBI investigation found conclusive evidence that he had not yet been conceived. However, other evidence remains in his recently declassified FBI file alluding to a time traveling incident that will take place in 2009, and a scrap of men's Hanes Underwear.

3) Ken underwent two years of intensive therapy for post traumatic stress syndrome stemming from a childhood incident, in which he wandered into a skate park during a training session of the Buxom Blonde Bombers, who mistook him for a midget mascot of an opposing team and buried him under a mass tackle. The therapy was mostly successful, although the sight of a buxom blonde will occasionally make him twitch, and the sound of roller skates can cause undue excitement. He takes medication to treat these symptoms.

4) Ken is one of the leading xenobiologists searching for the legendary Pigeontoed Rocky Mountain Ape. His writings on the subject include the story of his single face-to-face encounter, when the Kooplatush (as the native tribes of the area called the creature) tripped and fell into Ken's tent while trying to cross a field in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, the Kooplatush destroyed all of Ken's carefully rigged photographic equipment, so no evidence of that kind has been produced. Rumors are, though, that certain of these photographs can be purchased from

5) Ken still holds the record at his elementary school for stuffing the most jelly beans up his nose. A gum-and-marker 3-d commemorative portrait of his triumphant moment is preserved on the underside of desk 15, room 204.

6) Ken spent 10 years as the foremost director and producer of equine erotic film. The familiar "Big Stallion" emblem appears on many of the most well known 'blue horse' movies. His career was ended, however, when the filly Ta Wee sued him for releasing photographs of her taken before her illustrious racing career. The photographs showed Ta Wee in compromising positions with another filly. She accused him of attempting to blackmail her after her early wins.

Three lies about Jay

1) Jay suffers from a rare condition known as 'porcine magnetism'. Whenever bacon is in proximity to him, it is irresistibly drawn into his mouth. The phenomenon is under study by JLA and Stephen Hawkings is said to be writing a paper including an explanation of 'porcine magnetism'.

2) Jay is an avid mouldywarp hunter, and has taken his place in the Mouldywarp Hunter's Hall of Fame in Alms, GA among the exemplars of the sport. His prize winning take was a 22 inch Golden Mole during a trip to South Africa. Some disputes arose by competitors declaring the Golden Mole was not a 'true mole'. Jay was able to silence these naysayers via his ninja assassin executive assistant. No one has stepped forward to remove his plaque from the hall since.

3) Jay has the world's third largest collection of famous toenail clippings. The Left Front Big Toe Edge of George Plimpton recently sold at auction for a record $7.50.

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