Thursday, January 25, 2007

Public Service

I've been thinking about the whole "Gay Bands" thing. I was a little worried how a Good Christian Parent could know what groups were safe for their children. Luckily, there is a "Straight Band" list for a reference of music they could ALLOW their children to listen to safely, comforted by knowing the proper sexual orientation was being pounded into their soft little heads via iPod. As you might expect, it's mostly Christian bands, which makes sense. But..Cyndi Lauper? Her latest album is a big hit with the gay community! It has three gay themes songs on it. Oh, Cyndi, you're gonna lose your place on the list of the pure!

Of course, the "Straight Band" list is so very short, and doesn't cover nearly the musical ground of the "Gay Band" list. I thought perhaps I could lend a little aid in the endeavor to find music deemed "Straight" -- or at least "Straight Enough". But I need some serious help here. My problem is that my own modest attempt to compile such a list keeps hitting walls, first because the original list lacks any clear criteria for what makes a band "gay". Admittedly, some of the song writers and performers listed are known to be homosexual. Others, though, are confusing.

Second, I'm not familiar with every group listed. I've done a little research, but it's not easy to pick a Straight Replacement for a Gay Band. Most Gay musicians have talent and ability that is unique. Also, based on the list, almost every band is Gay (If Ted Nugent counts as Gay, there is NO HOPE). So help me out. If you can think of alternatives, let me know and I'll add to the list. Or, better yet, put together your own list of "Straight Alternatives".

THE "GAY" LIST - THE "STRAIGHT" ALTERNATIVE
  • The Spores (endorse suicide) - ?
  • Scissor Sisters - ?
  • Rufus Wainwright - ?
  • Merzbau - ?
  • Ravi Shankar - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
  • Wilco - ?
  • Bjork - Kate Bush
  • Tech N9ne - ?
  • Ghostface Killah - ?
  • Bobby Conn - ?
  • Morton Subotnik - ?
  • Cole Porter - Irving Berlin
  • The String Cheese Incident - ?
  • Eagles of Death Metal - ?
  • Polyphonic Spree - ?
  • The Faint - ?
  • Interpol - ?
  • Tegan and Sara - ?
  • Erasure - The Everly Brothers
  • Le Tigre - ?
  • The Gossip - ?
  • The Magnetic Fields - ?
  • The Doors - Cream
  • Phish - The Grateful Dead
  • Queen - Genesis
  • The Strokes - ?
  • Sufjan Stevens - ?
  • Morrissey(?questionable?) - David Gates (possibly)
  • The Pet Shop Boys -
  • Metallica
  • Judas Priest
  • The Village People
  • The Secret Handshake
  • The Rolling Stones
  • David Bowie
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood
  • Man or Astroman
  • Richard Cheese
  • Jay-Z
  • Depeche Mode
  • Kansas
  • Ani DiFranco
  • Fischerspooner
  • John Mayer
  • Angel Eyes
  • The Indigo Girls
  • Velvet Underground
  • Madonna - Amy Grant
  • Elton John
  • Barry Manilow
  • Indigo Girls
  • Melissa Etheridge - Anna Nalick
  • Eminmen
  • Nirvana
  • Boy George* - Elvis Presley
  • The Killers
  • Lou Reed
  • Lil' Wayne
  • Motorhead
  • Jill Sobule
  • Wilson Phillips - The Supremes
  • DMX
  • Lisa Loeb
  • Ted Nugent (loincloth) - I don't need to find anyone here, Ted will eventually shoot this guy
  • Dogstar
  • Thirty Seconds to Mars
  • Lil' Kim
  • kd lang
  • Frank Sinatra - Dean Martin
  • Hinder
  • Nickleback
  • Justus Kohncke
  • Bob Mould
  • Clay Aiken
  • Arcade Fire
  • Bright Eyes
  • Corinne Bailey Rae - Ella Fiztgerald (I don't know why Rae is gay -- maybe because she covered a Bjork song...)
  • Audioslave
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers
  • Panic at the Disco
  • Elton John(really gay) - Billy Joel
I'd like to point out that Elton John is so dangerous he shows up on the list TWICE. I now know I have a lot of music I must listen to. My husband might really like it if I became a little more lesbian...

No comments: