Monday, January 08, 2007

Moneypenny, Take a Memo

My job has a lot of requirements. One of them is turning my employer's somewhat rangy, untamable thoughts into business suitable language. Usually the hard part is conveying his meaning without the four letter words, but today...today I had to translate heavy sarcasm.

Here's the memo I was -- sorta, kinda -- dictated.

TO: ALL PEONS
FROM: BOSSZILLA
SUBJECT: THE VALUE OF DIRT

Thank you all for your efforts toward making [place of business's] facility cleaner. I have noticed some improvements.

I’ve also noticed that there is still dust, dirt and clutter in the building despite these efforts. I can only conclude that, at least for some people working here, this dirt has some kind of value. Those people – and I am not sure who they are – apparently value dirt highly enough that they will not get rid of it unless directly and specifically ordered.

Perhaps the problem is really with me. I do not understand dirt value. Maybe I’m missing something important. Maybe all this dirt is really a kind of asset. If that is the case, I should perhaps consider sharing this asset with all the employees. I could include some valuable dirt in each pay envelope, for example. Or perhaps I can work out an equation that will give the dirt monetary value – an ounce of dust equals a dollar or a dried coffee stain is worth fifty cents – and replace part of everyone’s salary with that valuable dirt directly.I could even collect it in coffee cans for distribution as Christmas bonuses. Otherwise, I cannot imagine a reason for keeping dirt, dust and clutter in the plant.

Many people here appear to agree with me that the dirt is not valuable (or they humor me because I pay them) and they remove it. Others seem to be hoarding and protecting that dirt. If there is a hidden value, then I will have to depend on my employees to demonstrate that they prefer dirt to money by looking at the condition of the plant over the next few weeks. Majority opinion will rule – if dirt is not valuable, I expect I’ll see less of it in the plant. If I see more, then I’ll start working on my equation to calculate the worth of dead bugs and splashed ink.

I’m hoping you will all help me avoid the extra math.


Not only did Bosszilla sign this, he made the copies and passed them out.

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