Monday, December 11, 2006

The latest

I spent Sunday wrapping presents. And sneezing. And wiping my nose. Since I was also doing a bit of dust removal, I put it down to dust. Dust will do that to me. I was having sneezing fits.

This morning I have a stuffy head and a soreness at the very top of my sinuses, where they connect to my throat. The concert is this coming weekend. Anyone want to place bets now on a viral infection?

Oh joy.

In other news, I have (I think) narrowed down the source of my irrational desire for a puppy for Christmas. I've been getting teary eyed every time I see a "puppy for Christmas" stereotype on TV. Walking through the pet aisles at Target put a lump in my throat. I know that we do not need a dog. Neither of us are prepared to deal with a dog nor do we want to make the kind of commitment necessary for having a dog again. Nevertheless, I've been missing Calico far more than I ever thought I would. It's been two months now.

Ok, here's the weepy, irrational reason that I figured out while walking through Target. I want a puppy because we have no children, and likely never will. We never really did plan on children, but now that it is completely not an option, I begin to feel very isolated. I have no other close family, despite having any number of relatives who either do not speak to me or have no idea I still exist. Since I put a great deal of emotion into the things I have, I feel as if all those photos and mementos will end up in a yard sale somewhere, or in the trash, once I am gone. They have value to no one else.

And it's because I feel alone without my parents. There is no one left who knows any of my stories before I was 12 (and there, only one friend). My baby pictures are of significance only to me. Nothing will exist, it seems, to remind people I ever lived, nor is there anyone to keep those things.

I've been thinking about sortging through the pictures and mailing them to appropriate relatives so that my mom and dad will not vanish when I do. That is what bothers me most -- that no one will be left who is connected to my mother, who has those pictures, the quilts, the little things she kept from her mother.

It's entirely maudlin and irrational. I don't much like it. However, that is the reason behind my puppy-longing.

Now, I am going to have my cold.

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