My much beloved and very nearly perfect Husband has developed a problem. He has begun to snore. Now, my own father was a prodigous snorer, capable ot terrifying small children and scaring the dog. Whenever I had to sleep in the same room with my dad, it was always a matter of meditation. The snoring became a rythmic chant, rather like shamans pounding drums filled with dried beans while blowing on shawms and crumhornes. I would wake only when he would pause.
I never met my father-in-law, but his own legendary snoring was reported as sufficient to draw complaints about the noise from the neighboring airport. I must admit to having done a bit of snoring myself, although I'm told mine are rather cat-like (having 6 cats on rotating sleep schedules has provided me much data on that subject) and tend to be cold or sinus infection related.
Husband always had the ability to snore. He just didn't that often. In the early days of our marriage, it happened on rare occasions -- he would roll onto his back in the royal "I own this fucking bed, minion, get thee to the couch" position. Now, the couch is owned by The Cats, and not only do The Cats snore, they don't like to share the couch.
Once His Highness had flung out his limbs and tossed back his head, the trumpeting would begin. An elbow in the fore head is sometimes enough to wake me but not enough to stun me until I fell asleep again, so the snoring noises would assure I'd remain awake (and slightly, shall we say, "miffed". I am not a graciously awakened person.) I was a good and patient wife the first few times, but time and sleep deprivation will suck the generosity out of a saint, much less a titanium bitch-inclined woman like me, so I created the "Get the hell back on your side of the bed or you're waking up in the bathtub" double kick, half gainer-shove snoring cure. He'd roll over into a fetal position, semi-consiously rub his calves, and quietly subside to sleep once more. (He only asked about the bruises once.)
Then, as the years went by, he learned to snore lying on his side, so snoring happened more frequently. Since he falls asleep much faster than I do, the resulting gasps, snorts, gurgles and "weeee weeee snirk"s would keep me awake. Inflicting bodily harm, however personally satisfying it might be in the short run, inevitably resulted in pouting in the morning (I'd rather shoot myself in the head than deal with pouting in the morning. I barely can deal with breathing in the morning. See the above about awakening...) So, I evolved the "Oh I love you SO much" hug/squeeze/choke-hold. A 30 second treatment with this technique effectively cut off all air. Upon release, the snorer would have awakened only enough to know that he didn't want his precious air supply interrupted again, turn onto his stomach, and let the trapdoor to dreamland open beneath him. All would be quiet.
Now, we are 12 years into our marriage. I invariably take between 30 minutes to an hour to drop off to sleep, during which time there can be no light, no movement, no sound and no cats walking on my head or killing socks in the next room. Husband becomes unconscious upon reaching a horizontal position. Once he is asleep, he immediately begins to snore. His timbre and volume have increased and the vibrational capacity of his head must have expanded. He can lie face down in the pillow and still snore. He can snore, loudly and distinctly, even when I am pressing the pillow OVER his head. Adding more pillows doesn't produce a distinct improvement in this technique.
I've found no sure remedy except waiting it out, or, as a last resort, retreating minion-like to the couch -- that is, when The Cats will let me. Otherwise, I sit up and write snarky weblog entries.
small print: Husband does not suffer from sleep apnea. He is not overweight, a smoker, or an indulger in alcohol, all of which can cause severe snoring or cause other sleep problems. He sleeps amazingly well. He is actually disgustingly healthy and normal. He just does this (I'm certain) to annoy me, because he CAN.
