Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Oatmeal

Here we are, 5 days into the new year (D minus 4, if you are counting like I am) and I haven't cracked open a book, or tried to do any writing. What's wrong with me? In fact, the only really positive thing I've done resolutions-wise is remember how to cook oatmeal. And then eat it.

That's important. Lots of folks know how to cook oatmeal, but can't face the eating of it. Oatmeal promises to clean out all my bad cholesterol, make me heart-healthy, give me soft skin and shiny hair, and guarantee I won't become a crazed axe-murderer**. Axe-murderers, as a rule, will not eat oatmeal.

I'm watching something on the Discovery channel that involves killing hundreds of mosquitos so some guy can line their little corpses up under a microscope. I'm pretty sure this freaks me out, as I hate mosquitos and I hate mosqiuitos close up even more, but I'm not sure yet, so I'm going to watch a little while longer while I wait for my hair to de-grey.

Yes, there is dye on my hair at this very moment, dropping years from my apparent age, giving my hair vibrancy, life, and body and increasing my overall sex-appeal. It's almost as good as oatmeal. Hair dye is no protection from axe-murderers, though.

Aigh. Close-up mosquitos on television don't really freak me out, but I'm glad they aren't on screen for very long. A giant mosquito would be freaky. I shudder to think of it. Even more ook -- they didn't actually kill those mosquitos. They trapped them, anesthetised them, marked them, and set them free again as part of a mosquito study. AIGH! Once you get those suckers, kill 'em! Kill 'em!

I do not use an axe to kill mosquitos. In fact, I'm not even sure where the idea of an axe-murderer came from. Lizzy Bordon, perhaps? I watched one of those historic forensics shows on her over the weekend and they decided she did it. I bet she didn't eat oatmeal. And technically, childhood rhymes notwithstanding, it was a hatchet.

**A check on Yahoo for "ax-murderer" turned up the usual suspects and a question: "Do you mean axe-murderer?" And so I got paranoid and changed my spelling. Now I'm wondering why you'd stick that "e" on the end anyway. The "a" isn't the long sound like in "hay", it's the short sound like in "hat". Usually that little schwa (that's one of those words I learned in school and never forgot -- the silent e on the end of a word has its own nifty name!) turns the vowel to its long sound. But it doesn't do it here, and I've seen the word both ways, so why the extra letter? Ah, English.

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