Thursday, December 11, 2003

I don't kill someone every day, sometimes twice a day

Like some proportion of the world's population, I am not a morning person. No, that's not quite right. I am not a morning person. I don't hate mornings as far as actively trying to stop mornings from coming or wanting to pass laws forcing everyone to stay in bed until 10 am. Rather, I just like to be left to face mornings my own way, which usually involves turning my face back to my pillow, closing my eyes and waiting for it to go away. My morning starts between 6:30 and 7:00 am.

So I'm married to this morning person. Up with the sun, chatty and happy and making what I suspect are silly jokes. I don't kill him every single morning because I love him. And because killing him would mean I have to listen to all the noise. The only noise I want to hear in the mornings is the news on the radio.

I deal with mornings with my script. It goes along with whatever routine I develop. I am a person who follows a routine, but it's not REALLY a routine, mostly because I can barely do the same thing twice, but it's a general tendency toward a routine. And there's the silent, internal, and driving script. It goes like this.


Don't talk to me. I'm not speaking.
Get out of my way.
Where was I going? Oh, yeah.
I said DON'T TALK TO ME.
Oh dear goddess, that IS my face.
Ugh.
STOP TOUCHING ME.
Do I own matching clothes?
Pheh.
I KNOW I own shoes. Where did they go?
You're still in my way.
Glasses. Must have glasses.
Purse. Caffiene money. Keys. Keys? KEYS? Keys.
I don't hear you.
Damn door's still there.
STOP TOUCHING ME.
Oh gods above and below, will you SHUT UP?


If I have to actually voice a part of my script, or if I have to say anything that isn't in my script, I get VERY PISSED OFF. I'm easily irritated in the morning because, well, I don't want to BE there. Push it too far, and I will BITE OFF something of yours that you really, really want.

However, if you leave me the hell alone, within about half an hour I become innured to the trauma of being awake and will function with civility. Give me my caffiene, and I will become friendly. By 8:30 I'll be able to answer basic questions without snarling. By 10 am I'm fairly pleasant and your jokes will be funny. Just don't go screwing it up by talking to me or trying to get me to talk back. I really mean it.

Just remember, I'm not killing you. It's an act of love.

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