Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Beep fucking Beep

I hate my car's horn. It's the weakest, wimpiest, thinnest little "meep" noise that a car horn can make. It's apologetic and pathetic. It says "um, pardon me" through its nose. It can't even get the attention of the teenage girl with a cell phone plastered to her head who is backing up into my car in the parking lot because she was so busy yakking (and waving the hand that was supposed to hold the steering wheel) that she drove right past the last "close up" parking spot to the stop sign (with my husband and I -- and three other cars -- behind her) and had to BACK UP because the parking spot STRAIGHT AHEAD OF HER was 15 feet too far for her to jiggle her fat, cell phone toting ass to the front door of the grocery store. We managed to back up about a foot and gesticulate enough and lean on the horn enough that she actually LOOKED IN HER MIRROR and stopped short of slamming into us. She then executed a 15 point turn to get into the damned parking spot.

My husband was driving. I would have just jetted my little wimpy car horned Mazda into that spot while she was still figuring it out at the stop sign.

I soooo much want a new car horn. I want a loud, articulate horn on my car. I want one that says "FUCKING BITCH! SHUT UP AND DRIVE THAT CAR!" without taking a breath. One that can express "HEY, IDIOT ON WHEELS! PICK A FUCKING LANE. YOU LEARNED IT IN KINDERGARTEN -- STAY BETWEEN THE LINES. DON"T GET ALL ARTISTIC AN NONCONFORMIST ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY!" in one long, obnoxiously loud honk.

Have I ever mentioned I curse like a longhaul trucker when I drive? I learned it from my older brother, the longhaul truckdriver.

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