Monday, November 10, 2003

Too much sugar

I'm a sugar addict.

No, it doesn't look very impressive to me either. It doesn't look desperate or dangerous or interesting. There's no cache of cool to go with those words -- no line of fashionable clothes, no radio rocking music, no special effects extravaganza. No big stars with good hair and the right shoes walking the red carpet to a benefit raising money to Help the Sugar Addict.

There's a book or two that I've seen, but nothing I've read.

I've eaten a lot of little chocolate candies tonight and I feel sick. I remember thinking as I was eating, "I should stop this, I really don't need this. They don't even taste good anymore." I didn't stop until they were gone.

It goes up and down. Some days I'm all about vegetables. Other days I'm scouring the cabinets for leftover tubes of cake frosting. I really like toast, but not with jelly. And I drink Diet Pepsi. Can't stand sugared sodas. Does that make sense? Not at all. There's no sense involved in it.

I sometimes refer to the parts of my personality that are counter to my overt wishes "demons". It's a little like having two separate people living in the same head, only they do know about me and neither one has superpowers. If you indulge in any sort of self-destructive behavior, you might be familiar with the sensation. There's part of you telling you how stupid or dangerous or pointless your particular behavior is, and another part of you directing your legs, your hands, your mouth toward the intake of whatever it is you use. That voice with the good sense doesn't carry much weight.

Maybe it sounds too much like the voices of the doctor, or your parents, your friends, the kids who picked on you in highschool. Maybe it sounds just like the voice that tells you how stupid you are. It enumerates exactly what stupid things you do, how they all add up to make you a worthless piece of shit person, and then details just how many people, things, and lower life forms are worth more than you are, all couched in the perfect words to gouge deeply into your every weak spot.

Right now I really am wishing I hadn't eaten those last few candies. But I did. And it confirms everything that voice was telling me.

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