Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Post Apocalyptic Dyspepsia

1) California? Thanks. Is this a sequel or a remake?

2) Got to move my ass around some. At least change rooms. I'm starting down the whining road again. That's boring. Maybe if I could get irritated about something in a humorous way. Or use the word "fuck" more. That seems pretty funny when done in a weblog. The only thing that really gets me irritated on a regular, dependable basis is my husband, and that's just so passe as to not even be worth mentioning. Of course my husband irritates me regularly. How can you rub up against someone as much as we do and NOT occasionally chafe something?

3) Could talk about my cats. This is, after all, a brand new weblog. All my previous sins are forgiven, right? I am starting all fresh and new and clean and squeaky shiny. Never talked about my cats before, right? Or my dog, or my two birds, or the cat I used to have or the dogs I used to have or even the two other birds I used to have or any of that. My entire animal history is a blank slate. Hmm. I'll save it.

4) Did I do anything today?
*Went to work,
*sat at my desk trying to say something about our Quality Policy without actually saying anything so it can go into the Quality Manual without upsetting anybody.
*Played some Spider Solitaire.
*Surfed around the web news.
*Finally thought of a way to say it.
* Typed it up.
*Printed it out for review with the QA manager.
*Stared at the rest of the manual that still needs editing.
*Felt completely uninspired and unable to focus.
*Started on the paragraph about the Quality Plan, which had to sound really specific while being completely uncommitted, again so no one would get upset.
*Played more Solitaire.
*Came up with a good 6 paragraphs plus a bulleted list that seems to say something important but actually refers all the gritty details to another document that hasn't been written yet.
*Wondered why it wasn't lunch time yet.
*Reviewed what I'd written with my bullshit meter turned off and decided I had a 75% to 80% chance that my boss would love it completely because it sounded like a lot of work and no one else would hate me because they would actually have to do any work.
*Had a lengthy and completely nonsexual fantasy about meeting Sting in a train compartment.
*Surfed the news sites a little more, shaking my head.
*Went home for lunch.

I love my job.

5) I've downloaded several tracks of The Chemical Brothers from Pressplay (you know, the legal, non-RIAA going to sue you way), which is ironically about to become Napster! all over again, only in a non-copyright infringing sort of way. Also downloaded a Dirty Vegas CD. It's sort of an interesting system, perfect for a non-techbrain person like me. I can download whatever I want for my $10 a month fee, but I can't burn these tracks to any other device (don't know why, and am not really curious, since I listen to most music on my computer anyway). Don't have to be online to listen, either, and you can have two computers on one account, so the Husband and I are sharing this one.

Anyway, I'm listening to music and trying to change my image of myself. I've got such a truckload of concepts about myself and other things in the world. It's like I'm discovering secrets about myself. Can I even explain this? It sprouts off of the whole "ugly cousin at the cottillion thing" yesterday.

Certain things are "cool", not that they are universally popular, but that they are popular with people who seem to have lots of "cool" going for them. I don't even know where my concept of "cool" comes from, and I know it isn't so easy to pin down as people who wear all black and bugeyed shades or anything like that. I wonder what sort of cultural exploration I'd have to do to winnow down the roots of my concept of "cool"? Anyway, The Chemical Brothers have appeared on soundtracks for movies that are just "cool", like The Matrix. It's a type of music that I sort of like, but never really explored because, well, it didn't associate well with me.

I keep thinking "confidence with angst". That makes no sense, but that is what comes out. What do all the characters in The Matrix have? Confidence with angst. Every damn one of them. Makes no sense, but there it is.

So, anyway, there's also my age to consider, which is becoming more of an issue with me than I ever pictured possible. I heard a saying today that I'll paraphrase. You are not only the age you are, but every age you've ever been. So while I'm sitting here at 38-almost-39, I'm still 25 and 19 and 12 and I can go back to those ages at any time while still carrying 38 with me. I had completely different fears and worries at those ages, which meant there were lots of things I could do without thought that now scare me to death (like climbing trees or starting new friendships or going out of the house to do things by myself). So that means there are parts of me completely able to accept the whole "cool" quotient of this music as perfectly compatible with me.

Have you ever known a person you classified as "old", "last generation", or whatever term you like, he or she was someone who you just knew had tastes and ideas and an entire life rooted in a time before the time in which your life is rooted? And this person, who you had pigeonholed so completely, turns out to be ,not only completely into something that's a part of your young, hip, cool, now life, but so much more into it and knowledgeable about it and accepted by others for that totally out-of-character thing that you are overcome with an urge to tell them to "act their age"? This scenario gets played for humor a lot in movies and TV. You are suspicious that the person is only putting it on, pretending about it to gain acceptance or some other relationship lever.

That's what I feel like, like the grandma who's majorly into rap, or the widowed aunt who designs fetishwear and can't keep up with the orders for the transvestite dominatrix market.

There are rules that control generations, right? They've existed more or less all along, but they really showed up post WWII with the whole "generation gap" idea. Each generation takes on particular cultural things -- clothing, hairstyles, music, literature, sexual mores, social ideas, etc. -- different from and often in contrast to (or in rebellion against) the things of the previous generations. Of course, there are only so many such things around so they sort of rotate and recycle (long hair/short hair is a good example. I can site examples of that change in the 18th century. I think you could make an argument of it for the Romans). Those who attempt to cross the gap either way are in for trouble from both sides.

Anyway, that's me. Or that's what I feel like listening to this music. That's what I feel like I'm doing LIKING this music. I'm a creature of the 80's, right? Ronald Reagan and leg warmers, big hair and blue eyeshadow. mullets and metal bands.

I don't always feel 38. I wonder if anyone ever does? What is 38 supposed to feel like? I knew when I was 19.

6) Which is funnier -- that California recalled their governor and elected a body builder/actor, or that they can recall the body builder/actor and try again any ol' time?

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