Friday, October 10, 2003

The Joy of Spam

Hmm, what's this in my email folder this afternoon?

From: Barrister Musu Muhammed

Attn:The president,

Well, that's a big miss. Perhaps Mr. Bush would be interested...

I am Barrister Musu Muhammed, a solicitor at law.

I am the personal attorney to late Mr. Robert Chapman the African Area Director of SIL International, who unfortunately died in the crash of Kenya Airways Flight 431 in Abidjan, Ivory Coast, January 30 2000. You will read morestories about the crash on visiting this website,

and also in this website, where Chapman's company talked about his death in the Kenya crash. You shall as well find the pictures of Chapman and his wife there. Mr. Chapman Hailed from Hamilton, Ontario Canada.

Good gory story. Is this even a real website? Oh, this is building up nicely. Now tell me about this poor dead guy

Since the death of Chapman, I as his personal attorney, have made several enquiries to locate his only surviving relation, without any success. I came across your name and contact on the course of my personal searching for Chapman's relations, so I decided to contact you for this project.

And I wonder how in the hell this Mr. Chapman had my email address? Maybe Chapman was a Spammer, too? I don't feel so bad now about his untimely death...

I am contacting you to assist in repatriating and securing the wealth left behind in a fixed deposit account by Robert, before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by AfriBank where my client operates an account worth $USD7.5 Million Dollars. The board of AfriBank has issued me a notice that after 2 months from now and no next of kin shown up for the claiming of the said funds, the funds will be confiscated and declared unserviceable.

Wow, that's just awful. All that money just given over to something as undeserving as a bank.

Since I and my team have been unsuccessful in locating Robert's relatives for sometime now,it on this note that I seek your consent to present you as the Next of Kin of the deceased since you are a foreigner,

I don't see how one relates to the other. Or does "foreigner" translate as "idiot" in your native language?

so that the proceed of this deposit valued at $USD7.5 Million Dollars can be released to you for our disbursments. I and my team have agreed to offer you 25% of the total sum,opon sucessful remittance of funds into your bank account,5% has been set aside to cover all expeses incurred both local and international, during the course of this transfer.,while 70% will be for me and my team. All requires is your honest cooperation to enable us see this business successful. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement which will protect you from any breach of the law. Robert was a very good man and it is not wise for me to allow his hard earned wealth to be stolen by the greedy directors of AfriBank.

Oh no, they are much better stolen by greedy folk like you and -- obviously -- me. Right? I mean, this IS about stealing. Of course, if WE do it, then you start charging me for all sorts of little "expenses" that will be reimbursed out of the 5% set aside of this nonexistant $7.5 Million.

Further details awaits your response by email. PLEASE, TREAT THIS PROPOSAL AS TOP SECRET.

OOPS! Screwed up that one. Of course, I'm sure the other 60,000 or so people you've sent this to will preserve the security of this e-mail.

Do not hesitate to include your private phone and fax number,when replying this proposal,you can also email me on this alternative email

Yours faithfully,

Barrister Musu Muhammed(Esq)

What boggles me, aside from the poor typing, spelling and grammar of this particular epistle, is that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, is going to buy into this bullshit! Someone out there with a large bank account, weak morals, and no particular abundance of working grey matter is going to reply to this with their credit card number. Am I unbelievably cynical? No, I think I'm just cynical enough.

But, in the spirit of public service, and just in case someone out there reads this, here is why this email and others like it are so damn bogus.

1) This bozo doesn't know my name. He addresses me with an erroneous title. This is Stupid. Someone offering you millions of dollars should at least know your name and title.

2) Do you know of the Mr. Robert Chapman mentioned here? If you do know a person by that name, would he have had your email address? Would you have known already he was dead (it's been 3 years)?

3) Although Mr. Muhammed states you are "saving" this money from theft by greedy bankers whom we all know are generally evil people and eat small children with shrimp forks, what he is proposing is stealing, too. Stealing is bad.

4) This man purports to be a lawyer (that's what a barrister is, actually). Lawyers are usually grouped with bankers in the "evil people who eat small children" catagory.

5) In almost any movie where someone attempts to steal a large amount of money that's wound up in some sort of legal shinnanigans, and they contact a stranger to help them, Something Bad always happens to that stranger. This should teach you, since if you are still considering the offer presented, you've obviously learned everything you know via action movies and sit coms on TV.

6) Total strangers do not offer large sums of money, in general, to people via e-mail. I mean, would YOU do it?

If all that isn't enough to convince you, you are beyond the reach of sense and deserve to be fleeced of everything you own in yourattempt to obtain these illicit and ficitious riches. Just don't attempt to sue afterwards. We will all laugh at you. I mean, every one in the whole world, including Mr. Muhammed.


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